From Marcus Buckingham
...What we know for certain is that returning women to the role of primary caretaker won't make most women happier. We know this because whenever and wherever the research is done on this subject, the results are always the same: women with no kids are, in general, happier than women with kids. I realize this sounds perverse--who doesn't love their kids--and yet the research has been repeated so many times, in so many countries, there's no escaping it. Kids, it turns out, are a bundle of stress. They may give our lives trajectory, and meaning, and purpose, but their gift to us is not happiness. Of course, this does not apply to all women--some women feel as though they were put here for the sole and express purpose of raising their kids and nothing, no professional dream or accomplishment, can compare to the joy of this. What the data show, though, is that these women are in the minority.Could this be true? Did I teeter on the edge of a nervous breakdown for an entire year when I came to the realization that giving birth is probably not going to happen for me... for nothing? Wow. Where has this article been all my life?
But do I want to believe that the women I love who have kids are even unhappier than I have been at times without them? No way.
Isn't "trajectory, and meaning, and purpose" what brings people happiness? Or is that just my Type A personality talking. A child may provide all that conveniently bundled up in a onesie, but it's no picnic trying to find meaningful joy in professional dreams or accomplishment either. I look forward to the day when my paycheck or a professional award makes me tear up with happiness. No really, I do. I would like to thank the Academy...
Does anyone really think their SOLE purpose is to raise children, and that NOTHING can compare to this joy? I doubt it, and I know a lot of Mormons.
For every time I have witnessed the fatigue and mild degree of madness my peeps (nieces and nephews - 15, of 'em) have inspired in their moms (Did my four year old really just say that to me? What am I supposed to do with that?) I have been quietly grateful for my full nights of rest and the time to read or go shoe shopping, by myself. And I'm sure for every time my sisters have heard me sob about not having someone to smell, snuggle, kiss and buy cute bedding for, they run in and kiss that sassy four year old right on her sassy face. We all probably suffer deeply and experience happiness equally, just over different things. This is what I am going to tell myself, and promote as fact. I will be sure to reiterate to my nieces (because I am sure my sisters will tell them) that a reality of life is that motherhood is not for wimps, being single takes a lot of balls, and both will be heaven and hell in equal measure.
The overall topic of Mark's article is a bummer. Apparently studies are showing that women are becoming progressively more unhappy as time goes on, and men are becoming more happy. This is depressing information and even if it is statistically accurate, I refuse to let it stick to me. My proposal is cheesy and a little Kum ba yah, but we should probably all just stick together. There's safety and some sanity in numbers. And if that doesn't work, misery loves company. The closer we are to each other provides more opportunities for "Hey! You got chocolate in my peanut butter!! No - you got peanut butter in my chocolate!! Hey!!!!! This is delicious together!!!! I know every day of motherhood is not "Mary Poppins", and in case you are wondering, every day of my life is not "Sex in the City." Let's keep comparing notes.
Having said all that, I am not going to lie. I will use Marks theory to soothe myself when I do get blue. For now I am happy having my time, freedom and access to 15 peeps to fawn over. Now if I could only find someone to make out with...
4 comments:
Eve, why haven't you been blogging all this time. YOu're a natural writer. I love reading your blog...Honest, interesting and funny.
The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. -- Thoreau
Except for Ralph Malf, who got peanut butter on his chocolate. --Niles
I do not live a life of quiet desperation: I know who I am,, where I came from, where I'm going, and I choose to make the journey a joyful one. My children have given me GREAT happiness, as did teaching school for 20 years. Both careers had their enjoyable moments as well as their stress-filled days.
I wonder what all these unhappy mothers think happiness IS. I suspect that much of their dissatisfaction comes from unhealthy doses of "the grass looks greener over THERE," a perception fueled by articles such as this one. I'd like to know the whenevers and wherevers of the author's research - statistics can "prove" whatever slant is wanted, depending on the populations chosen, how questions are worded, and the interpretation of the data.
So hurray for the cliches: "Happiness is where you find it": "Bloom where you're planted," whether you are single or married, with or without children.
Am I ranting? I probably just need some chocolate, with or without the peanut butter.
"Does anyone really think their SOLE purpose is to raise children, and that NOTHING can compare to this joy?"....uh, YAH. I DO think this is my sole purpose.
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